There’s More Than One Way to Belong: Exploring Queer Kinship
Queer Joy Practice #13
This is How To Queer Joy, a newsletter dedicated to LGBTQ+ mental health and joy practices, written by queer psychologist Dr. Kiki Fehling.
This week’s queer joy practice: queer kinship curiosity. Learning about “nontraditional” forms of family and community can help you clarify what you actually want from relationships—even if you have no desire to pursue new ones.
Why Queer Kinship Has Always Been Creative
The LGBTQ+ community has long been innovators when it comes to community, care, and belonging.
Many queer people have been disowned or excluded from families and communities of origin. For some, creating chosen families and forging new kinship paths has been a matter of survival and self-protection.
But even when we’re not explicitly rejected, queer people inherently don’t fit into society’s default scripts for how lives or relationships are “supposed to be.” There are many cisheteronormative and allonormative expectations that queer people cannot—or do not want to—fulfill. While going against compulsory heterosexuality and nuclear family norms can instill stress or shame, it also offers opportunity.
If you cannot meet cultural expectations, you may free yourself from the pressure of meeting them. But then the question becomes: Without the script, how do you know what to do?
Of course, you could tap into your inner knowing. But external LGBTQ+ stressors, shame, and fear can muffle your connection to embodied wisdom. So, you may benefit from exploring what others have done and learning about alternative kinship structures.
What “Alternative Kinship” Means (And Doesn’t Mean)
“Alternative kinship structures” refers to relationship networks, commitments, and partnerships that aren’t “typical.” They don’t look or function like the dominant Western, white, cishet models that are usually practiced and seen in media.
Some are about romance or sex, while others are about camaraderie, logistical support, or broader care. They include:
blended families
ethical non-monogamy
polyamory
communal living
community-based mutual aid
and so much more.
What I want to make clear: “alternative” does not mean “better.” Even for queer people.
What relationships work best for you personally will depend on your location, your sexual and romantic orientation, your neurotype, your legal and employment status, your relationship and trauma history, and many other factors.
There is no universal “best” or “healthiest” relationship, living situation, or commitment choice. There’s just what’s “typical” in your culture—and alternative models offer options beyond that.
Finding Queer Joy By Expanding Your Relationship Map
Beyond expanding your understanding of what “care” and “community” mean, learning about alternative kinship models allows for more queer joy in a number of ways.
It can reduce shame for wanting non-traditional relationships, offering permission to create communities that others may not understand.
It can increase your support and your hope if you’ve been socially rejected for being queer.
It may help you name what you want more confidently—even if what you want turns out to be relatively traditional!
It can greatly increase your awe, honor, or respect for LGBTQ+ people’s creativity and resilience.
How To Practice: Kinship Curiosity
This week’s practice is simple, though a bit non-directive: Do something to learn about alternative kinship structures.
Listen to podcasts or read articles about any of the structures I mention above. (For example, the Multiamory podcast focuses on non-traditional relationships.)
Read a memoir or book on the topic. (Personally, I loved Mia Birdsong’s How We Show Up.)
Subscribe to a Substack that frequently question or challenge societal norms related to kinship. (I know/love Ace Dad Advice and The Auntie Bulletin. Please share with me your favorites!)
Then, reflect:
What sounds intriguing or appealing about this structure? What sounds uncomfortable or unwanted? Why?
What does my response tell me about what kinds of care I want to give and receive, what kinds of relationships I wish I had, or what feels missing in my support system currently?
What small step could I take to get more of what I want and need? What should I research/explore more? What conversations could I have to strengthen my current relationships? How could I get connected to new communities?
Keep What Fits, Leave The Rest (At Least For Now)
Remember: this practice isn’t about changing anything in your life. (Unless you discover you want to change something!)
It’s about learning, expanding your map of options, and clarifying your desires and values.
By understanding the types of relationships that LGBTQ+ people have created over the decades — and continue to re-create every day — you can better understand yourself, celebrate other queer people, and contribute to building a world where everyone feels more belonging.
With care,
Kiki
