An Antidote to Queer Shame: Mindful Loving-Kindness

Queer Joy Practice #25

This is How To Queer Joy, a newsletter dedicated to LGBTQ+ mental health and joy practices, written by queer psychologist Dr. Kiki Fehling.

This week’s practice: loving-kindness meditation. Fight shame, find more self-compassion, and strengthen your emotional resilience with this mindfulness practice.

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I don’t know about you, but for me, one of the worst parts of feeling emotionally overwhelmed is that it can make me feel so alone. Like I’m the only one going through something, or like there’s something wrong with me. This is particularly true when it comes to conditioned shame or self-judgment around queerness… When I feel alone in some sort of queer shame or stress, it’s particularly stinging, because it separates me from myself, from queer community, and from queer joy.

While there have been a few practices and resources I’ve gained over the years that have helped me in these moments, today I want to tell you about just one of them: loving-kindness meditation.

I first heard about loving-kindness meditation (an old Buddhist practice, also known as metta meditation) from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). But it wasn’t until I read Jacoby Ballard’s A Queer Dharma that I understood its unique role in helping queer folks find more queer joy.

As Jacoby writes:

Metta is a cloak of protection and an invitation to put down armor, asserting that everyone is deserving of love, just by being, just by existing. … This is a transformative practice that uproots all the lies and judgments we’ve been taught about ourselves, however we’ve internalized oppression, and everything we’ve come to believe about one another.

At its core, loving-kindness meditation is simply sending love and compassion out towards others and towards ourselves.

While it’s a simple practice, it can be super powerful.

Loving-Kindness As An Antidote To Queer Shame

LGBTQ+ people grow up hearing so many negative message about queerness that it’s understandable that many of us start believing these messages. This internalized stigma, self-judgment, and other judgment can contribute to depression, anxiety, and disconnection. Conditioned shame can be sticky and tough to shake.

Loving-kindness can help. Research has shown that practicing loving-kindness regularly can help reduce depression, reduce self-criticism, and increase self-compassion. It can increase positive emotions and can help you feel more connected. Even just a few brief minutes can make a difference.

We know that self-compassion matters for queer mental health in particular. As a skill you can practice, it helps protect queer people from the harms of internalized stigma. Loving-kindness offers a concrete way to increase your self-compassion as a queer person, especially if you practice in a way that focuses on your queer self or on other queer people. Sending love to queer people can help you feel connected to queer community, even if you’re physically isolated or unable to access LGBTQ+ supports.

By practicing loving-kindness for your full, authentic, queer self — and the full selves of other queer people — you fight the queer shame and loneliness that can get in the way of queer joy.

To be honest: loving-kindess is not easy. It may not be immediately soothing, and it actually may feel really stressful or difficult to offer compassion to yourself. Especially if you grew up or still live in a world where you feel abandoned or judged.

But, using other coping skills, finding social support when you can, and working through that trickiness pays off. You just need to keep practicing.

How To: Practice Loving-Kindness Meditation

Again: at its core, loving-kindness is a mindfulness practice focused on sending love, affection, warmth, and/or compassion towards yourself and other people.

I describe one of the most common methods in this new YouTube video (which includes a full script for you to practice along with, based on the one from my new workbook), and it generally goes like this:

• Think of a person, pet, or being who is very easy for you to love. Try to really imagine their face, or focus on what it feels like in your body to feel love for that person.

• In your mind, send that person well wishes and compassion by repeating phrases to yourself. For example:

  • May you be safe.

  • May you be healthy.

  • May you be happy.

  • May you live with ease.

• Repeat those phrases, sending loving-kindness to your loved one.

• Then, move your attention towards yourself, sending the same loving-kindness and well wishes: May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

• Then, move your attention outwards to all queer people, then to all people, or then to all beings everywhere, sending the same wishes: May we be safe. May we be healthy. May we be happy. May we live with ease.

As I say in my workbook, you can change the recited phrases to fit your specific needs and preferences, saying things like… May you be strong. May we feel queer joy. May you be free from suffering. May I unconditionally accept myself. May we all know true freedom. Etc. Whatever you want.

Similarly, you can direct loving-kindness to whoever you want. Your chosen family. All trans people. All people of color. All activists. Etc.

There’s No Wrong Way to Send Out Love

I love how individualized and flexible this practice can be. I also love that there’s truly no wrong way to practice. As long as you keep trying to cultivate compassion, turning your mind towards unconditional loving-kindness, you’re doing it right. And, with repeated practice, you’re bound to reap the benefits, feel more connected, and have more compassion for yourself and others.

In this cropped photo from a few years ago, I’m jumping up and down with my young nephew, who is SO EASY for me to send loving-kindness to (but whose face I don’t want to post on the internet). I often choose him to start with when I practice metta.