You're Tired Because It's Tiring: Rest Is Essential for Queer Joy

Queer Joy Practice #9

This is How To Queer Joy, a newsletter dedicated to LGBTQ+ mental health and joy practices, written by queer psychologist Kiki Fehling.

This week’s queer joy practice: resting. Taking time to rest and truly take care of yourself is necessary for queer resilience.

Note: I am totally aware of how “rest” and “self-care” get thrown around as buzzwords, such that you may be a bit numb to hearing about them. Stick with me! Rest does not have to look impressive, aesthetic, or productive to count.

---

Why I’m So Tired (And Maybe You Are Too)

I’m tired. Like, really tired.

I have a personal health thing going on that is draining me, but it’s more than that. This time of year asks a lot of us.

There are a lot of events and deadlines and to-do items and social stressors. If you’re in the northern hemisphere, this stuff is all happening amidst less sunlight, more cold, and maybe even snow that makes it harder to get around. Winter asks us to slow down, while the holidays (and culture in general) demand we speed up.

Also, queer people face specific holiday stressors on top of all of that. Like anxiety or dread about seeing not-quite-affirming family members. Or grief over family members or traditions that have been lost.

All of these holiday stressors are happening in a greater cultural context that largely doesn’t affirm LGBTQ+ people and that is becoming increasingly hostile towards our trans siblings. It feels like there’s a new anti-trans or anti-LGBTQ+ measure/statement/policy/law coming out every week.

It’s… a lot. And, it’s meant to be—at least when it comes to the political side of things. Anti-LGBTQ+ stressors and laws are often true attempts to silence, invalidate, and eliminate us. It’s meant to tire us out so we stop fighting back. Of course you’re tired.

Queer Joy Requires Rest

If we want to keep fighting and community-building, we have to rest. We need to recover repeatedly, so we can keep creating the world we want.

Even if we’re just trying to live our lives and get through the end of the year well, we have to rest.

Being well-rested allows us to cope more easily with the bad things when they happen, and it allows us to enjoy more fully the good things when they happen.

Of course, finding the time, space, and even (paradoxically) the energy to rest can be really tough. But that’s exactly why it’s so important.

Why “Rest” Needs to Be Personalized

Not all rest is the same. And not all rest works for everyone.

The term “rest” gets thrown around a lot in wellness spaces—the same way “self-care” does. So I want to make it clear what I mean when I say “rest.”

For rest to nourish your queer joy and overall wellness, it has to fit you. What your life looks like. What capacities and resources you have. How exactly you’re stretched thin. What your values and preferences are.

Take meditation as an example. Meditation is often listed as a great way to destress and rest—and it absolutely can be. But, for some people, it can feel stressful, effortful, or even destabilizing. I personally love meditation. It’s an important part of my mental and spiritual self-care. But I still wouldn’t say it’s restful for me to sit on the cushion.

Baths are another commonly suggested form of rest. But for some people, baths will never be helpful—maybe they can’t afford the fancy salts or oils that wellness culture markets, or maybe sitting in hot water actually feels physically uncomfortable. Other people find that a perfectly scented, candle-surrounded bubble bath really helps when they’re emotionally drained. But, when they’re physically exhausted, setting up the elaborate bath they prefer may feel completely un-restful.

Basically, for rest to be helpful, it needs to address the type of fatigue or burnout you’re experiencing. It needs to be within your means, capacities, and sensory preferences. It needs to be something you’re willing to do.

For rest to be helpful, it needs to be restful.

How to Practice Finding the Rest You Actually Need

Remember: your rest doesn’t have to match someone else’s rest. It doesn’t have to fit into cishet, white, neuronormative ideas of rest that you’ve seen online.

First, ask yourself which of the following do you most need right now:

• physical rest

• emotional rest

• mental rest

• spiritual rest

• or another kind of rest?

Then, accordingly, ask yourself what are the activities, people, spaces, or things that in the past have most helped you feel:

• physically energized or rejuvenated

• emotionally stable or soothed

• mentally relaxed or clear

• spiritually inspired or connected

• or otherwise filled up and grounded?

Look for things you’re actually able and willing to do. Look for things that will actually help you feel more rested right now—even just a little bit more.

What Rest Might Look Like

Because I know it can be hard to think of things when you’re frazzled, here’s a menu with a few options:

• Sleep, nap, or close your eyes or lie down just for two minutes.

• Go on a hike, walk around the block, or sit under a tree, by running water, or near singing birds.

• Shift positions, adjust your pillows, or cuddle with a stuffed animal or loved one.

• Watch TV, read, or listen to podcasts.

• Have sex, masturbate, or massage yourself.

• Dance, walk, stretch, or shake your body.

• Order takeout.

• Draw, paint, journal, or create art.

• Meditate, pray, or perform an ancestral ritual.

• Wear headphones, change your lighting, put on comfy clothes, or reduce sensory overstimulation.

Then, do the restful thing. Even for five minutes. Even “imperfectly.” Put it in your calendar, if you need.

And practice mindfulness the best you can, repeatedly bringing your attention back to the present restful moment, rather than letting your mind flit away to everything on your to-do list.

Allow yourself to rest and to appreciate rest. Savor it.

Want To Learn More?

I don’t usually include resources for “further learning” in this newsletter, but this topic is a super important one.

It’s also a topic that I’ve personally had to do a great deal of (un)learning around. So I want to share the fabulous books that have greatly influenced my personal thoughts about how to rest, why rest is important, how your “productivity” should not be tied to your worth as a person, and why maybe you really don’t have to do as much as you’re doing:

• Rest Is Resistance and We Will Rest! by Tricia Hersey

• Laziness Does Not Exist by Devon Price

• How To Do Nothing by Jenny Odell

If you don’t want to read a full book right now, this autostraddle article and this short letter are also pretty great.

GO REST

OK, so now go rest!

Also, maybe take one moment right now to rest? Seriously. Right now. Close your eyes, place your hand on your heart, and take a deep breath.

Ask yourself: is there anything I can do in this moment to take care of myself? If so, do it, if you’re able.

Rest is so hard to do in today’s world—and that’s exactly why it’s essential.

Take care of yourself. Rest. You deserve it. Queer joy requires it.

Let me know how it goes.